Be Outgoing – How to spark a warm connection by smiling with your eyes

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Be-Outgoing

Do you have a “fake smile” or a “real smile”?

Most of us go about our day while putting on that little upturn of our mouths when we order a coffee, respond to a customer, or a million other daily activities.

But is it real?

By real, I mean is it a GENUINE smile?

I bet it isn’t. You know how you can tell?

It’s all in the eyes.

You can see it here:

Fake-vs-Real-Smile

On the left her eyes are all “crinkled up.” That’s smiling with your eyes.

On the right she’s obviously faking it. It’s the smile that says, “I’m being polite but I’m not really interested in you.”

When I was learning how to be outgoing, I tested this concept. I went out and purposefully smiled with my eyes. (I may have even overdone it a bit and drifted into squinting.)

The funny thing is that if you start your smile with your eyes, you cannot help but smile with your mouth. It just happens

The reaction I got was… amazing! Totally different than just the old fake smile.

People actually lit up and were much more friendly with me. One girl at a store even blushed and lost her train of thought as I held eye contact with her. (That was fun.)

Try it yourself. Stand in front of a mirror and put on your usual “fake smile.” Then replace it with a REAL smile. Notice the difference. Notice how it feels.

Then take it outside and show it to the world. I guarantee that you will notice a difference in the way people react to you.

Be More Outgoing – These easy questions make people like you (fast)

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Be-More-Outgoing
Do people think you’re boring? It’s a common problem in conversation. We all tend to try to be more friendly by asking the same old dull questions when getting to know someone. Where are you from? What do you do? Where do you live? What do you think of the weather? What time is it?

We often only have a few minutes to make a great first impression, and we often blow it by sticking to the same old same old yawners that make others walk away out of boredom. This is NOT the way to become a more outgoing person.

Don Gabor, author of the excellent book How to Start A Conversation and Make Friends (dongabor.com) talks about finding the other person’s “hot buttons” to change a boring conversation into a fun one:

How to Find Someone Else’s Hot Buttons

When you walk into a room full of strangers, do you say to yourself: “I don’t have anything in common with the people here!”? Many people think their interests are unique and that others wouldn’t be interested. The opposite is usually true. Because of our accessibility to a wide range of activities, many people share common interests, goals, and life experiences.

Think about universal experiences. We’ve all gone on vacation at some time in our lives, right? There’s one. We all have career goals and plans for the future. There’s another.

It is a huge mistake to think (even for a second!) that you have nothing in common with people. We all walk the same streets, travel in the same vehicles, and eat the same foods. There’s a LOT to talk about.

Don Gabor continues:

When seeking someone’s hot buttons, fish around subject areas with ritual questions. When you receive an enthusiastic response, express interest in the subject.

When I’m meeting new people, I like to try to get them to teach me something. There’s no higher compliment than conveying the message to someone that they’re good at something. By asking them to teach you something about what they know, you increase their value and make them instantly like you.

Now, this does NOT mean you should say, “Teach me something!” to somebody. They’ll walk away. Instead, like Don Gabor says, fish around. Ask questions until you find one.

Here are some good ones from the book:

  • What do you like to do on your days off?
  • What do you like to do for fun?
  • What do you like to do when you’re not working?
  • What do you do to relax?
  • How do you enjoy spending your free time?
  • Do you have any projects that you are involved in?
  • What kinds of hobbies do you enjoy?
  • Are you involved in any particular organizations?
  • Have you started any new projects lately?
  • Is there something that you’ve always wanted to do, but never got around to it?
  • Do you have any particular long-term goals?

See how these questions are so much better than talking about the weather or the sports scores? They actually require some thought and get people to share their true selves.

When you show that you’re a good listener and have a GENUINE interest in learning about the other person, they CAN’T HELP but like you. This is a powerful secret to being outgoing.

Warning: Do not ask too many questions in a row. You don’t want to sound like a news reporter trying to uncover a scam. Balance your questions with statements.

And… if the other person dodges your questions, just politely end the conversation and walk away. It’s not your problem. The other person just didn’t want to open up. So what? No big deal. It’s most likely for a variety of reasons that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you.

Just move on to the next person who looks interesting.

Do this CONSISTENTLY and you will make more friends and have more dates than you will have time for.

Feel More Confident – Boost your self-esteem and become more outgoing

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Feel-More-Confident

If you’ve ever said “I want to be more confident”, then you know the pain of suffering from low self-esteem. Some days it seems like you can’t get out of your rock bottom state, much less become outgoing and make new friends.

Without confidence you may even begin to detest yourself. Self-loathing communicates that you’re not worth getting to know. Bad. Very bad.

Fortunately, there is something you can do about it. To be more confident, we turn to Dr. Maxwell Maltz, a famous plastic surgeon who wrote extensively about the “Self-Image”.

In his classic self-help book PsychoCybernetics, he writes…

Our Self-Image prescribes the limits for the accomplishment of any particular goal. It prescribes the “area of the possible”…

When this self-image is intact and secure, you feel “good.” When it is threatened, you feel anxious and insecure. When it is adequate and one that you can be wholesomely proud of, you feel self-confident. You feel free to “be yourself” and to express yourself. You function at your optimum. When it is an object of shame, you attempt to hisde it rather than express it. Creative expression is blocked. You become hostile and hard to get along with.

This concept is so important to becoming outgoing, but very few of us actually take the time to put it into practice.

Once, I was about to start a new job. In my old job, I had a reputation as the “shy and quiet guy” who did everything for everyone without hesitation or payment… the nervous guy who didn’t talk to girls… the lemming who could be walked on and taken advantage of.

I was determined to not allow that to happen at the new job. I had it all planned out in my mind… I would come in strong and powerful, setting the new standard from Day One.

I remembered PsychoCybernetics and turned to the page on how to properly create a positive self-image. I did the technique for the entire week prior to starting the new job, mentally preparing for exactly how I would act and behave at the new job.

Guess what? It worked.

On my very first day, I acted just like I had planned. My mind knew precisely what to do. I had “pre-loaded” it with a new self-image… mental pictures of the “new me.”

I didn’t worry about what to say or do. My revised self-image informed my mind that the “new me” never worries about what to say or do. He just knows instinctually.

And it stuck.

When you come in on the first day bringing with you a set of standard and expectations, people make note. They see you as the person you see in your own mind. That’s why it’s so important to “pre-load” a strong mental picture (Self-Image) so that both you and them see the same person.

Now, did this mean that I was permanently self-confident forever after that?

Of course not. Old habits returned… as they will always try to do. We must be vigilant in keeping our self-image intact. Like almost anything else in our lives, we need to maintain it every day. We need to reinforce the behaviors that get us what we want in our lives.

The key to all this is visualization. Take the time to stop, relax, and picture yourself succeeding at a task or in a particular place.

What we often don’t realize is that if we took some time and worked on our self-images, our ability to become more confident would skyrocket.

How to Be Popular – A fast and easy way to get “in” with any group

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How To Be Popular

If you’re shy, you know the terrifying feelings of social acceptance. You also know the emotional turmoil of just “fitting in” with your peers.

As if that’s not bad enough, society puts labels on us if we don’t achieve a certain level of popularity. The unfortunate truth is that “fitting in” opens doors to achievements and career opportunities that are closed to loners.

The best how to be outgoing advice with an eye to becoming popular was best described by famous author Dale Carnegie, who relates in his classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People:

There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important.

It’s true. If we’re struggling to be part of a group that hasn’t accepted us yet, this is the best way to get an “in” with these people.

Having suffered with shyness and social anxiety my entire life, I found learning how to be confident in groups to be an enormous challenge.

Once, I wanted to join a group of business people who I knew were influential in my city. I needed advice on starting a business. So I put on my suit and tie, shined my shoes, and went to one of their meetings.

I cannot fully express how nervous I was. Negative thoughts rolled around in my head over and over, such as:

  • Who do I think I am going to this meeting?
  • I have no business degree. Why would these people even accept me?
  • I make no money and I still live with my Mom. These are high-powered business executives. They’re going to laugh at me.
  • It’s all an “old boys club.” I didn’t go to the right Ivy League school. If they don’t know me from an alumni association, then I have no hope to even remotely connect with them.
  • I have $43.57 in my bank account. That’s all the money I have in the world. These people make millions. What makes me think they’ll ever accept me?

I stepped off the subway and walked into the grandiose lobby of the hotel. My voice was trembling as I asked the hotel clerk where the meeting was. It didn’t help that she was drop-dead gorgeous. My anxiety level kicked up a few notches.

When I walked into the ornate ballroom, I saw various groups gathered around talking. My sweaty hands gripped my faux-leather portfolio that contained my business plan and resume. My breathing was shallow. My heart raced.

I saw one very important-looking man “holding court” around a group of five people who were listening intently. I walked closer to them.

I hovered for a bit, and then turned to face the man speaking. He was talking about how the Internet was going to revolutionize business. (This was 1995. People still needed to be convinced back then. How times change!)

As he spoke, I made eye contact with him. I blanked everything out of my mind and focused in on his words. I tried to see what he was seeing. I nodded in agreement when he said something important.

He noticed. The other five people, even though they were closer to him, weren’t as “into” his message as I was. He felt my rapt attention.

Soon, he was talking to me with 90% of his eye contact and energy. The other people had parted like the Red Sea and he had moved closer to me.

Crap, I said to myself. I don’t even own a computer. Once I open my mouth, I’m going to show my ignorance.

He had finished his last sentence with something like, “And that’s how internet commerce is going to make buying as easy as clicking your mouse from the privacy of your home.”

There was a long pause.

So I just picked up his last line and asked, “But do you really think people are going to put their credit card numbers over the Internet?”

“Great question!”, he said and launched into an explanation of how future security would solve this issue.

The other people looked at me like I was somebody important. All I had done was asked an intelligent question based on what he was saying.

And my fear lessened. It didn’t vanish completely because I was still out of my element. But because I gave this man the sense of importance he felt he deserved, I instantly became part of his group.

Not only did he and I talk for a couple of hours, he introduced me to several well-known local businesspersons with whom I talked the rest of the day.

All I did was repeat the process. I asked questions. I nodded and listened intently. I encouraged them to continue talking. No learning how to be cool necessary.

By the end of the day, I had made several connections and had received one potential job offer… mostly by just asking questions, listening intently, and encouraging others to share their expertise.

In other words, I showed them appreciation.

Do you see how it’s done?

If you’d like to get “in” with a certain group, then show you appreciate their expertise. Some ways to do this are:

  • Get curious about what they’re doing.
  • Ask good questions about their goals and desires.
  • Pay rapt attention to what they say, picturing their feelings and experiences as they describe them.
  • Show appreciation for their accomplishments.
  • Demonstrate that you have similar interests and goals.
  • Say yes when they invite you to their next group event.

A simple way of looking at it is:

It’s not about them accepting you, it’s about you accepting them!

Once you show them that you consider them important by giving your acceptance and appreciation, they’ll want you to be part of their group. You’ll suddenly find yourself surrounded by new friends.

I’ll close again with another quote from the master Dale Carnegie:

William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” As I have already pointed out, it is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself.

How to Be Outgoing – Make more friends with this easy technique

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How To Be Outgoing

Shy and anxious people are always asking how to be social and make more friends. As someone with social anxiety, I know how much of a huge struggle it can be.

Even worse, your worrisome thoughts can trigger rapid heartbeat, high blood pressure, blushing, sweating, and tremors.

The good news is that there is something you can do everyday that virtually guarantees a better mood, a brighter outlook, and helps you to be a more outgoing person. Here it is from Nicholas Boothman, author of Convince Them in 90 Seconds or Less: Make Instant Connections That Pay Off in Business and in Life (nicholasboothman.com):

How to Smile

The quickest way to put your best face forward is with a smile. Smiles signal approachability, happiness, and confidence. Professional models have tricks to help them get in the mood and smile. Here’s my favorite. Put your face about then inches in front of a mirror. Look yourself right in the eye and say the word “great” in as many different ways as you can: angry, loud, soft, sexy, like Jerry Lewis… Keep going. Eventually you’ll crack up. Repeat the exercise once a day for three days.

The next time you’re going to meet someone, say “great” under your breath three times and you’ll be smiling.

Note how the author encourages you to be silly. Smiling is associated with being silly for good reason.

Shy people are notoriously serious. Smiling allows us to lighten up and laugh a little as we go about our day. You don’t have to learn how to be funny. A smile is contagious and can even make another person laugh.

Not only that, it opens them up for friendly conversation.

You’ve probably heard people tell you to smile your entire life. Maybe you’re sick of it. But there’s a reason it’s been said so many times. It’s because…

It works!

Think about it. How many people do you see smiling every day? Not very many. We are all so stressed, so busy, so lost in our own little worlds that we forget to smile.

I’m guilty too.

Once, a friend of mine and I were in a convenience store waiting in line to buy snacks. I looked up at the video monitor with a feed from the surveillance camera. On it, I saw a guy who looked threatening and mad.

Funny thing was that when I turned my head from right to left, so did he. Oh crap, I said to myself, that’s ME!

Do I really look that mean? I FEEL like I have a pleasant light smile on my face… but that guy on the screen looks angry and dejected.

So I asked my friend, “Am I smiling right now?”

“No”, he said. “You look kind of pissed off.”

Then, I videotaped myself. Sure enough, what I thought was a smile wasn’t a smile at all. To actually put a smile on my face, I had to contort myself so that in my mind I had a goofy clown smile… which in real life was just an ordinary one.

It was as if I had to reprogram what my mind registered as an actual smile.

The first few times I went out I felt horribly goofy. I thought people would wonder what’s up with the tall weird smily guy.

But just the opposite happened. Everywhere I went, people smiled back at me. Store clerks became friendly and opened up to me. One guy even said “Hi” in passing.

Wow!

Smiling is the oldest advice in the world, really. But it’s amazing how many of us are looking for more complicated answers about how to be more confident. Confident people smile. They also usually possess a bright and happy demeanor. A smile lets people know that you are a warm and self-assured person who would be a good friend.

Smiling lifts YOU up too. You feel more relaxed when you smile. When you’re smiling, it’s hard to be in a bad mood. It’s kind of like your mood follows your actions.

Try it today. Put a big goofy grin on your face while making eye contact with the next person you meet. You may just be surprised at the incredibly warm and friendly reaction you get back.

Male Dating Advice – Dating tips and attraction secrets revealed

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Male Dating Advice

If you’re a guy with social anxiety, then you know the struggle we face when it comes to dating. Not only do regular social situations make us cringe, but whenever we’re near an attractive woman we go into full lockdown mode.

And to make matters worse, there is a slew of male dating tips from so-called “pick up artists” and “seduction gurus” who charge ridiculous amounts of money to sell their e-books, courses, and bootcamps. Click here to hear my interview with a REAL dating coach who knows the truth.

What’s a guy with social anxiety to do?

Here are the steps to getting your dating life solved:

Talk to everyone
Duh. I know. You’re probably sick of hearing this one, but it’s so damned true that I have to repeat it here.

If you’re going to be able to approach and carry on conversations with attractive women… then you’re going to have to be able to do it first with everyone in general.

Get curious about people. Ask them questions about their lives. Listen and relate their stories to your own life. Express yourself.

Learn the basic principles of attraction
Because of our different biological attributes, men and women are attracted to each other differently.

For years, I labored under the false assumption that women are attracted to men by our looks. While your appearance does help, it’s not the main trigger. We guys look at a model in a magazine and we instantly attracted. There’s very little she can do or say to make us un-attracted… even if she has no personality at all.

But when a good-looking guy is talking to a woman and acts needy, desperate, or creepy… then her attraction immediately evaporates. Women are biologically programmed to respond to confidence, dominance, and ambition. Mess up one of those and she is gone baby gone.

How do I know? Because I’m a good-looking guy who girls responded to initially for years… but I displayed all the needy-guy behaviors. And killed any initial attraction generated by my looks. Girls walked away from me in droves as soon as I started speaking.

Don’t do what I did. Don’t be needy.

But DO…

Become fun
Lighten up! Stop being so serious. Attractive women don’t like a guy who is serious all the time.

Learn to laugh. Some people disagree with my emphasis on humor. But I don’t advocate learning comedy to make other people laugh. It’s more to make YOU laugh.

Because for the few seconds you have left on this earth, you might as well lighten up and laugh about it! Why be miserable and whiny? You don’t have time to be miserable and whiny.

And nobody wants to be around miserable and whiny people.

A guy I know used to come in to a store where I worked and he would brighten up our day by being silly and doing roleplays with us.

“Are you ever serious?”, I once asked him.

“Hell no!”, he said. “Life’s too short! I gotta fit a few more million laughs in before I kick it. Now fix your tie. You look like crap today. Did your momma forget to iron your shirt this morning?”

He was a wise man.

Get over your fear of making mistakes
The #1 reason most guys do not become comfortable in their dating and relationship lives is because they’re afraid of screwing up. They want to rehearse and “get everything perfect” before going out and approaching women.

The problem with this is that to succeed at ANYTHING in life you need to make lots of mistakes. Did you know that Donald Trump fails more times than he succeeds? That’s because he’s willing to make mistakes. He knows that one of his deals is going to produce millions of dollars… even if the other nine fail.

The guys who have dated the most women have also made the most mistakes. They’ve been slapped, laughed at, ridiculed, and had drinks thrown in their faces. But they’ve had rich relationships that often started with the girl rejecting them outright. They persisted past the mistakes.

This is the reason that 99.99% of humanity does not achieve life goals. They are unwilling to “make fools of themselves” and take chances without a “safety net.”

I can’t tell you how many guys I know who study everything about dating until their eyes cross… then get up the next morning and start all over again… WITHOUT talking to a girl for months.

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “paralysis by analysis.” That’s what this is. And most of us with social anxiety are intimately familiar with it.

We need to let go of perfection, dive in, and make lots of mistakes. That means saying stupid things. That means making a fool of ourselves. That means getting laughed at… and shaking it off.

It’s tough. I know. You want life to be easy. You want press a button and have pretty girls land on your doorstep. Heck, so do I.

But it doesn’t work that way.

Get out there and make some mistakes, dammit!

Understand the power of time
Many dating coaches and seduction gurus sell you on the idea of a weekend bootcamp. They make outlandish promises that they will cure your “approach anxiety” (the pickup artist industry term for social anxiety) in two-and-a-half days.

I’ve been on a few of these. I’ve got news for you. NOTHING gets cured in two-and-a-half days. Whatever you do in life is going to take time.

“Exposure therapy” as part of social anxiety therapy is a much more effective way to learn how to approach and attract beautiful women.

Set your goals LOW to begin with.

My first goal was to go out alone. I walked to the bar I wanted to visit. I stood outside and looked in.

Then I went home.

Was that a failure? No, because my goal was very small… to go stand outside the bar I wanted to go out alone to. Done. Check.

The next time, my goal was to go inside, look around as if I were looking for someone, check my watch, and leave.

Which I did. Done. Check.

The third time it was to walk up to the bar and have one drink. Done. Check.

I eventually progressed to striking up conversations, flirting with girls, and asking for phone numbers… over the course of a year.

Time is the answer. A weekend bootcamp might be a good start, but I recommend you just do what I did and start with small win stacked on top of small win, then rinse and repeat.

That’s how it’s done.

For more tips, check out my interview with dating coach J.T. Pierce. He’s down-to-earth and normal. Guaranteed 100% free of useless advice.

Anxiety Self Help – These classes help you overcome social phobia

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Anxiety Self Help

To cure your social anxiety, the best thing you can do is take action. Lots of action.

And one of the very best actions you can take is to sign up for a class or two.

You learn something. You get comfortable with new skills and being in a social environment. You make new friends.

Classes are everywhere. You can find private ones or you can go to your local community college or adult education center.

Here’s my list of top classes to take to help get over social anxiety:

Acting
No class ever did more for me than a course labeled simply “Beginner Acting”.

I remember sitting there in the old theater on the first night, looking around at my twelve classmates, who included:

  • A beautiful 19-year old diva with a Southern accent.
  • A 56-year old Greek fisherman.
  • An Israeli girl who could knock down any guy three times her size.
  • A terminally ill 79-year old woman.
  • A well-known local comedian.

We were all nervous. None of us said anything. I was shaking in my sneakers, afraid to speak.

A funny thing happens in acting class, though. You get to know people… and I really mean KNOW people.

When you’re forced to play characters with these people… releasing all kinds of emotions in the process… you can’t help but lose your social anxiety. In fact, you can’t help but become intimate with these people.

It was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I plan on doing it again, just for the fun and human connection.

I remember walking down the street after the final show (in which I did a scene from Hamlet.) I was smiling at people and being open and friendly… zero signs of my old social anxiety.

Stand-up comedy
This class uses an entirely different part of your brain than acting. If you often find yourself without something to say, this is the place to go.

By the end of a few weeks, you’ll have reams of material to use in conversation with people… including where to find it, how to develop it, and the secrets to performing it.

Even more importantly, you learn how comic timing works… which is the key to humor. If you master it, you can make almost anything funny.

And again, you’ll make some very funny friends.

Improv comedy
Totally different type of comedy. If you’re a stick-in-the-mud who has trouble loosening up, this class teaches you a fantastic life skill for overcoming social phobia…

How to be silly!

Take Improv Class

You know it. I know it. All of us with social anxiety tend to be very serious people who don’t know how to lighten up. We’re over-analyzers, critical thinkers, and worry-warts who take everything so damned seriously.

We need to get loose, act a little more childish, and have some fun. Improv class is the social anxiety cure that got me to stop over-thinking everything.

One moment I was a British policeman with a hearing problem. The next I was an old man trying to pick up a young woman. The next I was the first President of the United States who couldn’t speak without a hand-puppet.

And I had no time to plan for each. It had to be spontaneous. A fantastic challenge for anyone who has trouble with communication skills.

It forces you to “think on your feet”… and you’ll take it with you outside of class. You’ll suddenly find yourself thinking of things to say much faster everywhere you go.

Your brain is like a muscle. When you exercise the inventive and creative part with improv comedy, it’s “activated” so it runs automatically all day long in your real life.

(Be warned, though. Like any muscle, if you don’t keep flexing it, it will “de-activate.”)

Public speaking
Yes, I’ve taken this one too. What can I say? I’m an educational junkie.

This one is the toughest for most people. The difference between this and the previous ones is that it adds in the art of persuasion. A speech is usually not comedy, and audiences are not always friendly.

But what a sense of accomplishment you feel when you’ve done it! There’s nothing like knowing you got up in front of an audience of 1,000 people and survived.

Not to mention you learn so many communication skills that help you in everyday life, such as:

  • Convincing people to see your point of view.
  • Using your breathing effectively while talking.
  • Conversational pacing.
  • How to relax in front of a crowd.
  • When to use pauses.

Foreign language
On the very first night of my Spanish class at the language school, the teacher (who had just arrived from Colombia) told us to “Cierre sus libros!” (“Close your books!” in English.)

She forced all of us to start talking in Spanish immediately… which is the fastest (and best) way to learn any language.

Trust me… when you’re trying to think of new words and phrases, you totally forget about your social anxiety. You’re too busy trying to form sentences.

Later, when you and your new friends from class go out and speak your new language at a restaurant or bar you have a ton of fun. Social anxiety gone.

Cooking
We all eat, right? Therefore, we can all use some cooking skills.

The great thing about cooking class is that it’s hands-on. You’re forced to DO things. Again, you don’t have time to think about social anxiety.

While I wouldn’t suggest going on Hell’s Kitchen with Gordon Ramsay for anyone (especially a person with social anxiety)…

…a cooking class is still a great way to meet people and work on your social skills.

Dancing
This one I’ve never done, but I have a shy female friend who met the love of her life at a swing dance class.

Like the acting class, you’re forced to become physically close with people while you’re working on your performance… which breaks down the social barriers and helps you to feel loose and free.

So, today… as in RIGHT NOW… go online and look up what classes are available in your area.

It can be one of the greatest steps you take in your life to cure social anxiety.

Become More Confident – How to be outgoing and find more friends

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Become More Confident

“How do I become more confident and make new friends?”

It’s a common question, especially for people with social anxiety like you and me. For years, I tried everything under the sun to work on this mysterious confidence that I seemed to lack.

I tried affirmations, telling myself over and over that I was confident. The problem is that my subconscious didn’t buy it.

It kept telling me, “Yo, Travis buddy. Listen up. Self-confident people do not chant to themselves for an hour that they are self-confident. They just don’t do it, bro.”

Then I tried hypnosis. A clinical hypnotherapist who looked like he was around when Rome burned tried to put me into a “trance” and convince my “inner self” that I was confident.

While he was talking, all I could think about was roast beef sandwiches at the deli next door… and whether I wanted mayo or barbecue sauce… onion roll or bulkie… pickle or no pickle?

Later on, I learned that hypnosis works only with people who are very suggestible. That’s not me. My critical mind questions everything on autopilot 24/7 so I needed more rational solutions based on reason and logic.

Over time (and with age) I began to notice something…

Truly self-confident people never think about confidence! 

It’s true. Never even crosses their minds. You ask them about confidence and they say, “Huh? I don’t know. I just do it. I know how because I’ve done it. That’s all.”

This led me to the analogy that I use in my program on how to be outgoing.

I drive a car. I’m pretty good at it. Been doing it for a very long time now. If someone asked me…

“Travis, are you confident that you can drive that car to the store?”

“Well, duh! Of course, silly. I’ve only driven all over the Eastern seaboard several times in my life. I think I can make it to the store and back.”

See, I never question whether or not I’m confident enough to drive a car because I’ve only done it a million times or so.

What makes me confident I can drive a car?

Experience! 

Plain and simple. Confidence is nothing but experience.

Merriam-Webster defines experience as…

Practical knowledge, skill, or practice derived from direct observation of or participation in events or in a particular activity.

This deletion of the word confidence from my vocabulary was my personal “A-ha!” moment. Whenever I saw the word confidence, I just replaced it with the word experience.

Confidence implies feelings, as in “feeling confident”. Experience, on the other hand, implies facts, as in “having experience.”

This radically changed my focus. I now knew what to do. I sought experience, not confidence.

It’s a subtle mental shift in your mind… but it works like crazy! You no longer worry about how you’re feeling. You just work hard to gain the practical knowledge, skill, or practice that you need to accomplish whatever you want to do.

Let’s apply this to becoming more social.

If your objective is to find more friends and overcome social anxiety, then here are five things you can do starting TODAY…

1. Get knowledge.

This is good advice for anybody at any time in their lives. Every day, I try to learn as much as I can about the world around me. Doing so has served me well.

The sheer number of people with whom you can talk increases dramatically when you can converse about a wide variety of subjects.

Read the news. Read books. Study and learn.

2. Get enthusiasm.

Want to make a lot of friends? Get enthused. Seriously. People that attract other people are joyous and passionate.

“But Travis, life sucks. How can I be enthused about anything?”

Then FAKE IT!

I’m not kidding. Just act as if you were enthused. Play the part of an enthused character. Heck, change your name for the day. Get silly.

A weird thing will happen. You’ll find yourself becoming enthused. Something about acting a certain way causes our mind to adopt it fully.

For the long term, develop one or two passions. If you don’t have one, then RIGHT NOW visit the website of your local adult education center or community college and pick one! I guarantee there’s SOMETHING there that you like.

For example, I love cooking. For years, I’ve watched TV chefs like Julia Child and Jacques Pepin, America’s Test Kitchen, and Martha Stewart’s Everyday Food. You can learn a lot from watching them, taking notes, and then trying the recipes.

This leads to great conversations about food. I’ve even started ones by saying, “I love lasagna.” Most people (not all, but most) love lasagna or pizza so it’s an easy opener.

And heck, if they hate lasagna, they’ll tell you… which you can use to say “Oh. So what food do YOU love?”

And you’re off and running…

Passions are exciting, especially when you share them with others. Enthusiasm is indeed contagious.

And those of us who can remain enthused and passionate in the face of all the struggles life throws at us are very fun people to be around.

3. Get rhythm.

No, I don’t mean join a dance troupe. (Unless that’s your thing, then go for it.)

I mean learn how to express yourself in a way that people become engaged with you.

Self-expression has a certain sound… a rhythm and cadence. You can say “I love punk rock” in a flat monotone voice and nobody will believe you. But if you say it with an excited tonality, then people are more apt to engage you in conversation. (I talk more about rhythm and cadence here.)

For many social anxiety sufferers, this proves to be very difficult. You may not be used to talking enough. In that case, I suggest taking one of these classes:

  • Acting
  • Improvisational Comedy
  • Stand-Up Comedy
  • Speeches

Take Acting Class

The instructors of these classes are masters of articulation, timing, and communication. You can learn a lot from them. (Plus, it’s a lot of fun!)

Look for one in your area. I can’t recommend it enough. It can change your life.

4. Get “un-perfect.”

Please… please… I beg of you…

Make mistakes!

Seriously. It’s the only way to learn. For years, I was afraid of making mistakes. I wanted to “be perfect” before I even started.

Nope. Wrong. Sorry, that’s not how it works. I’ve learned more from my mistakes than from my successes. It’s an essential part of developing experience in anything.

Express yourself. Say stupid stuff that makes no sense. Trip over your words.

The more mistakes you make, the less of them you will make.

It’s a paradox, but it’s true.

5. Get practice.

Get out there. Try stuff.

Yeah, yeah. I know you don’t want to hear “practice makes perfect.” You’ve been told that since you were in first grade, I know.

But it’s freakin’ true!

That’s what exposure therapy for social anxiety is all about. It’s getting that one small win, which is experience. Then you push yourself and get a slightly more difficult small win, which is more experience.

Eventually, you’re experienced!

(Or as we used to say, confident.)

Self Help Books – Cure social anxiety with these top 10 books

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Self Help Books

When you begin your search for motivational books and programs to help overcome social anxiety, you may become overwhelmed with the choices available. Self improvement books are more popular now than at any time in history.

Especially when it comes to social anxiety. There’s a literal boatload of information on this subject. However, it can be frustrating to weed through all the useless stuff while looking for solid help. Click here for 15 no-fluff steps to get over social anxiety.

In the meantime, I’d like to share with you some titles that helped me immensely. You may notice that none of the usual “social anxiety” books are on this list. That’s because I found them, for the most part, too dry and clinical. The ones that made it to the list lifted me UP and AWAY from social anxiety.

Here are my top 10 self help books that truly helped me overcome social phobia:

1. How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

The granddaddy of them all. First published in 1936, it is the first and best step for anyone with social anxiety. I often pick it up off the shelf and re-read sections, always amazed at how relevant they are so many years later. This book is the “bible” of human interaction.

Caveat: There are a few “add-ons” to this best selling self help book that I recommend specifically for people with social anxiety.

2. How To Be Your Own Therapist by Patricia Farrell.

This book meanders a bit into clinical talk, but the core messages are fantastic. Farrell has the guts to tell the truth about therapy, shattering some myths, and urging people to “quit whining”, “open your eyes and face reality”, “make lots of mistakes”, “fire your parents”, and “live dangerously.”

After reading it, I was fully convinced that it was truly up to me and ME ALONE to take ACTION to cure my social anxiety.

3. Asserting Yourself by Sharon Anthony Bower and Gordon H. Bower.

Are you put down a lot? Do people push you around? There is no better way to stand up for yourself than the DESC scripts in this book.

When you use them, you will be tactful and firm. People will respect you more for demanding respect in a very polite way.

4. Improvise! by Mick Napier.

This is a book by an improvisational actor written for improvisational actors. There’s a lot of theater talk in it, some of which is very good.

But the true gem is the last chapter, which is titled Exercises To Do At Home. That one chapter is worth the price of the book!

One of the key problems we experience is brain fog or a blank mind when in a social situation. The improv exercises described in the last chapter of this book are a goldmine of methods you can use to practice “thinking on your feet”… and all in the comfort of your own home.

5. SeinLanguage by Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld? The comedian? For social anxiety? Really?!

Yes, really.

SeinLanguage is a collection of Seinfeld’s standup routines. Much of the material is hopelessly stuck in the 1980’s but I found it very useful to create conversational material. I didn’t copy it, but rather used it as a “prompt” for topics and experiences to relate… with my own personal experience thrown in.

The secret is that Seinfeld was a master of taking universal situations that we all experience and putting a funny twist on them. We’ve ALL experienced many of the things he describes which is why so many people relate to the material in this book. It helps you become a much better conversationalist when you talk about universal topics… and this small book is a dictionary of them.

6. The 7 Habits of Highly Efffective People by Stephen Covey.

No fluff. No nonsense. Just principles and strategies to manage life and become a stronger person who gets things done.

7. Pimsleur’s Essential Speak & Read Spanish I.

Huh? A foreign language course?

I include this because, just like improv exercises, learning a foreign language strengthens that “think on your feet” part of your brain. You’re forced to recall new words, sentence structures, and verb forms.

It’s a great way to get talking if you’re not used to talking… especially if you’re doing it in a class like I did.

Not to mention when you attempt conversation in another language you’re so busy trying to think of the words that you completely FORGET you have social anxiety.

The next three books are on the list for their titles only. They are mostly fluff so I don’t recommend you read the books themselves, but just the titles:

8. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers

Great title. Boring book. But follow the title’s advice and it’s hard to go wrong.

Whatever the situation is that you need to solve, just feel the fear and do it anyway. You will be surprised at how much the fear diminishes when you’re actually “in” the situation you worried about.

9. You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought by Peter McWilliams.

Again, great title. Yawner of a book.

But it’s the truth. You don’t have time for a negative thought. None of us do. Ignore them, block them, and let them drift past you. Don’t even bother fighting them. Just duck and let them zoom over your head.

10. Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life! by Larry Winget

Possibly the best book title ever. Do what it says.

Best Self Help – Self improvement myths blown to bits

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Best Self Help
If you’ve been to your local bookstore anytime during the last ten years, you’ve probably noticed how much one section has grown: Self-Help.

Top self-help authors such as John Bradshaw, Wayne Dyer, and Robert Glover have become famous and wealthy writing books about how to “heal the shame that binds”, uncover “your erroneous zones”, and “reclaim your masculinity.”

Others love to talk about feeling good, finding “flow”, and embracing self-esteem while purging your inner demons so you can learn to love yourself and discover inner peace.

I only have one question…

Does anyone have a spare bucket?

Because writing about this “Happy Clappy Positivity” (as one poster in a social anxiety forum termed it recently) makes my lunch rise from my stomach. Click here for a social anxiety program with ZERO “Happy Clappy Positivity.”

There was a time I felt differently. It was during my own self-help phase.

Tony Robbins got me started down this endless road that leads nowhere.

Tony Robbins Photo
With toothy charm, this odd 6 foot 7 inch creature promised me that if I develop “personal power” using the “ultimate success formula” I will “awaken the giant within.”

It wasn’t all bad. There were nuggets of good advice… hidden in a sea of overblown hype and impossible promises.

Then came others. Maxwell Maltz. Robert Anthony. Norman Vincent Peale. Les Brown. Brian Tracy. Robert Bly. David Burns. M. Scott Peck. Nathaniel Branden. Leo Buscaglia.

Seriously, I spent years reading this mindless fluff until I discovered the best motivation to cure my social anxiety, my fear of success, and my depression…

Stop reading these books and DO things!

Or, in other words, take ACTION.

It wasn’t until I decided to DO things instead of just think things that my social anxiety really started to melt away.

With that in mind, I want you to immediately put down… and RUN AWAY from… any self-help book that you find containing the following claptrap:

“Learn to love yourself”
Blecch.

Some people buy this concept hook, line, and sinker. They spend years chanting to themselves how much they love themselves. But they stay depressed because they really DON’T love themselves and no amount of repeating it over and over will change that.

Instead, why not direct your love OUTWARD? Learn to love:

a) Life
b) The world around you in all its beauty
c) Everything that others have to offer

The more you take your focus AWAY from yourself and put it onto others and the world around you… with heavy doses of CURIOSITY and INTEREST, the more you will forget about your problems, including social anxiety.

And the more people will love you for being so into life… and when people love you, you’ll feel worthy of love and… boom!… just like that, you’ll love yourself without even trying.

“Reclaim your inner child”
Ugh. Not this one again.

Forget your inner child. Your childhood is over. You can’t get it back.

Deal with it!

Sorry, I don’t mean to be a spoil-sport here but somebody needs to get a little tough with you. Plus, I’m sick of watching FIFTY-something adults whining about how their parents treated them.

Get over it! It was thirty years ago, for Pete’s sake.

Okay, maybe you really DID have a bad childhood. Maybe it was the WORST childhood anyone could have ever experienced… ever!

In that case, my heart goes out to you. I’m sorry you had to endure that. That does indeed suck… bigtime!

However, it’s time to leave it behind you. It’s time to become a rational adult and SLAM THE DOOR SHUT on the pain. Because if you spend your entire life trying to figure out how your childhood messed you up, then you’re going to wake up one morning eighty years old.

Whoops, too late!

Patricia Farrell, the author of How To Be Your Own Therapist (a good solid no-nonsense book) wrote:

Fire your parents! 

Great advice. Whether they were good or bad, rich or poor, loving or hateful, stop blaming them. Stop blaming anybody… including yourself!

For years, I blamed my mother for loving me TOO much… for coddling me and overprotecting me. It wasn’t until I stopped blaming her or anybody else… INCLUDING myself… that I was truly able to work on my social anxiety.

A much better way to look at your problems is:

It is what it is.

You have social anxiety. It is what it is.

Now forget about how you got it.

Just shut up and fix it!

“Find inner peace”
This one is pure B.S.

Supposedly, if we sit and meditate long enough while “opening the spiritual floodgates” in a “state of mindfulness”, then “peace and serenity” will descend upon us like an angel floating down from the clouds.

Yeah, right.

There is no inner peace. Life’s a bitch.

Or as the Buddha said, “Life is suffering.” Same thing.

Again…

Get over it!

Stop expecting everything to be magically wonderful. Once you do accept life’s harsh reality, then you will actually be more open to enjoying all the good things in life… no inner peace required.

“Heal your toxic shame”
Pffffft.

Another path to lunacy. Look, maybe you DO have toxic shame. Heck, maybe I do. Maybe we ALL do.

But in the end…

Who cares?

You still only have mere SECONDS left to live. Are you going to waste those precious few moments whining about the toxic shame that was instilled in you years ago by the people and events of that time?

Just forget about it and MOVE ON!

If you foolishly attempt to face and dismantle every shameful event of your life through “self-analysis” and “personal discovery”, then you’re going to waste years that you can actually use for a fun and fulfilled life.

Forget the past. Slam the door shut.

“Boost your self-esteem”, “Boost your self-confidence”, “Boost your self-image” and “Discover yourself”
Self. Self. Self. Self. Self.

Me.Me.Me.Me.Me.

These idiotic concepts scream “It’s all about ME!”

And that’s the problem with them.

I say…

Get Over Yourself!

Sorry. It’s NOT all about you. Overcoming social anxiety is more about taking the focus AWAY from yourself and putting it on the world around you.

The more you waste time trying to boost yourself up, the emptier you will feel inside. You will get sucked into a “self-vortex” in which everything you do is focused on the “self-whatever” you think you’re going to receive.

Instead of trying to boost yourself up, how about trying to boost somebody ELSE up? GIVE in order to get.

It’s a strange paradox, I know. But when you become an inspiration to others, you become an inspiration to yourself too.

“But I don’t have anything to give to anyone else! How can I give to others if I have no self-esteem, self-confidence, self-love, or positive self-image?”

My answer to that is a quote from Nike…

Just DO it!

Dive in. Fake it if you need to. Act like an inspirational person who loves himself or herself and boosts others up. You’ll be surprised at how quickly you actually BECOME this person.

“You’re crazy, Travis. I had no role models to teach me how to boost anyone up. I’ve been beaten down and trod upon my entire life. Plus, I’m depressed!”

I say…

Do it anyway!

Trust me, you’ll feel way better about yourself when you turn the tables around and face OUTWARD instead of inward. The rewards you will experience are IMMENSE!

The bottom line is…

If you focus on problems, then you’ll get more problems.

Problems are what these self-help concepts focus on. Stop focusing on your problems, their causes, and their triggers. Forget the past. Stop turning inward.

If you focus on solutions, then you’ll get more solutions.

Solutions are what cure your social anxiety. The more you focus on things you can DO, the more you’ll overcome your fears.

And solutions require ACTION!

It’s the ACTIONS you take that help you overcome social anxiety… not the feel good self-help B.S. that makes overblown promises it can never deliver.